The parable of Barry Allen

WARNING: Some swearing and sexual crudeness

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One day a man named Barry Allen was walking along and God appeared and magically translated him to the starting line of a race gate along with 100 other people waiting to start the race. God said, "This race starts in western Canada, Vancouver, and ends in the furthest eastern town of Cape Spear, New Brunswick. I predict Barry Allen will win the race but command everyone to run their best anyway. It is an endurance marathon race with one month to finish. Now go!"

And God fired the starting pistol and everybody started to run. Barry said to God, "I'm not much of a runner. It is not my thing. And since you predicted I would win, and God's predictions always come true, I'm not inclined to bust my balls too much here."

God said, "Get off your lazy fucking ass and move your balls Mister!" And a zap of lightning initially got him moving a bit. After a few miles he saw a town and went to the tavern to rest and have a beer. He fucked a few prostitutes and went to bed early.

Next day watched the news coverage and the other racers were doing good time. He jogged to the next city, got tired again, went to movie, fucked some more prostitutes, early dinner and bed.

Next town met a nice girl and decided to settle in a bit, got to know her good, got a job in town and was enjoying life with her, periodically checking the news and the other joggers were doing excellent time, almost half way across Canada by mid-month. He casually thought how God predicted he would win the race, but that didn't seem likely since he wasn't even running, and wondered if the universe would collapse into a quantum singularity if one of God's predictions failed. Then he thought, ah fuck it, philosophy was not his thing either.

Next few weeks go by and Barry forgot all about the race until God showed up and demanded an update. Barry was honest and admitted he was lazy and running was not his thing.

God said, "Too bad you fucking lazy dick! You gotta cross that finish line! My integrity is on the line here. I can never be proven wrong or I am not God. What the hell am I gonna do with you?"

Barry just shrugged and said, "I dunno."

God sighed and said, "In less than a minute someone else will cross the finish line unless I do something. Very well, seems I have no choice here. Lazy dick. Do you know who Barry Allen was in the comic book world?"

Barry said he didn't know.

God said, "Well you are about to find out."

And suddenly a stove looking device appeared and God said it was a particle accelerator, and in the comics it got hit by lightning and made Barry Allen into a superhero.

"Which hero?" Barry asked.

"You're gonna find out," God said. Then lightning hit the particle accelerator and zapped Barry Allen, who felt tingling sensation all throughout his body.

God said, "Barry Allen was also known as the Flash, fastest man alive, can run faster than Superman. Now get across that fucking finish line on the other side of Canada or we're all fucked. I cannot be allowed to ever be wrong or I'm not God!"

Barry said, "Sorry I'm still kind of lazy. What's in it for me?"

God said, "Oh, alright, God-dammit you lazy bastard! If you get your ass moving I will award you with 144,000 hot polygamous wives for all eternity, reformed devils, really slutty little whores who love sex and will do any sexual thing you want!"

Barry said, "Ooooh, now that's some incentive. Allah can only offer 70,000 boring inexperienced chaste virgins!" And in less than a nanosecond Barry Allen, aka the Flash, ran across all of Canada and blasted past the finish line, beating all racers!

Barry just did a victory dance, and sang, "Oh, yeah, I got a 144,000 hot ones comin! Oh, yea, yea, yea, beat you all! Hahaha, you thought dad didn't know what He was doing!"